Caroline Lovett, a psychosexual and relationship therapist, discusses how you may be feeling as a partner of someone with a complex health condition.

When a partner is living with a chronic illness, it can throw up all sorts of difficult emotions. You might be worried and frightened about what it means for the person you love. It can also change the dynamics of your relationship where you take on the role of carer, and your partner the patient. That wasn't the basis of your relationship when it started, so how do you navigate that? Can you maintain a sense of intimacy within the relationship? 

Reconnecting with your partner

The things that are important to you in your relationship really need the space for a conversation, but fear can hold us back. You can worry about what the impacts might be if you bring things up. If you bring up your needs, will you seem selfish? Perhaps you really miss sex and intimacy, or maybe you really miss just being able to have some fun with your partner. 

So how do we start getting some of this back onto the agenda? As I always say: communication is lubrication. So let's find the space to be able to really talk about it. We can't possibly know what the other person is thinking. The only way that we can really find out is if we take some responsibility for our own voice. 

Let’s think about times of connection: going for a walk, holding hands, sitting on the sofa watching a film together. Think of the times and spaces where you're not interrupted by anything else, and you can talk about things. Think about how you can articulate how you're feeling and ask your partner how they're feeling. 

To get into a good mindset, maybe suggest looking at old photos together, talk about holidays you've had, and start planning things for the future. 

Talking about sex and intimacy 

Bringing up sex can be difficult. Choose your time carefully. If you're aware that you're a bit wound up or you're feeling frustrated, it's probably not a good time to bring the subject up. You might need to set the scene, with a cup of tea or taking a walk together. 

It’s important to speak in a way that doesn't feel as though you’re criticising your partner. None of us want to feel like we're being criticised, and you may make your partner defensive. Frame it in a positive way: “I'm missing our closeness and intimacy. I wonder if there is something that we can do about that?” 

Once you are both open to the idea of exploring sex together, talking about it really makes a big difference. 

If you’re struggling with that, there are various things that can help. For example, you can buy packs of cards that outline different questions for couples to ask each other. This can get you thinking about what you are both comfortable with and what you’d like to try as you start getting sex back on the agenda. 

Questions on the cards might include things like: if you could have sex anywhere, where might it be? What's your favorite day of the week for having sex? What's your favorite sexual position? If you were going to have six different things on your sexual menu, what might they be? 

You need to think about yourselves in terms of being sensual people. We have five senses, so if we're going to create a scene that feels intimate, what are all of our senses doing? What do we like to hear? What do we like to see? What do we like to touch? Think about the whole experience, and try to share some of these thoughts with your partner. 

There's a lovely game called the Three Minute Game, where you make a request to your partner and your partner makes a request to you. For example, you might say: “For three minutes, I would like you to stroke my arm.” 

Your partner might say: “I don't want to do that.” Or they might go: “Yeah, ok.” 

Then they take a turn. They might say: “For three minutes, I would like to hold hands.” It's a backwards and forwards game of intimacy. 

Remember that not all intimacy and sex is swinging from the chandeliers – start with the small stuff. That's not to say that penetration isn't important. It might be. But it might be something that you need to put on hold for a while and instead find other ways to connect with your partner. 

Intimacy doesn’t have to mean penetrative sex

Remember that sex is a big subject and there are many things on the sexual menu. 

I can guarantee that if I say to somebody: “when did you last have sex?” they will think about penetration, but that’s just one thing on the sexual menu. Think about the other things that could be on that menu. We can experience touch in many different ways for example. Where do you like being touched? What makes you feel aroused? For some people, it's the back of the knees. For others, it's behind the ears. Try to find some space where you can be open and playful while you talk about what feels right for both of you. 

Giving yourself some space and selfcare

We can all experience burnout if we're physically and emotionally exhausted. It's hard watching the person that we love going through treatment. Some of these treatments are tough to witness. Being able to care for yourself during this time is really important. 

Remember, if you get burnt out, you're not going to be there for your partner. Your voice and your experience is really important throughout this, so think about the people you might be able to talk to if you need to offload. Who can you talk to if you’re exhausted or worried? You need an outlet to express your feelings. 

You also might need to just have a different conversation sometimes. That’s ok too. Maybe meet up with a friend, or make time to do something that’s fun for you. It could be as simple as making a mug of hot chocolate and giving yourself five minutes alone. Only you know what works for you, but it's really important that you don't forget yourself as you support your partner through their condition and treatment. Your care is important too. 

More articles and videos from Caroline

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Further support and advice

• COSRT - College of Sex and Relationship Therapists. Psychosexual Therapists are listed here.